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*CAUTION* may include adult language

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*CAUTION* may include adult language

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The following is going to be just rambling, its not exactly going to flow too well either. I just need to vent.

I do so much, for so many people, including my partner. and I just get used and abused, and forgotten about.

I help promote EVERYONE'S events, and there are fuck all people who actually help me in return, hell even 3 quarters of the dj's I book don't do any fucking promo. I have lost so much money on my events this year, because people just don't help, and I can't do it all on my own anymore. I have even had to cancel an event. Why do I bother?

I need to lose weight, i need an operation on my uterus as I have the following problems,

submucosal fibroid
broad based septum
bicornuate uterus
poly cystic ovarian syndrome

2 - 3 of these can be fixed by having an operation, but I need to lose 50 kilo's before they'll even put me on the weighting list. The instruments don't reach where they need to go, unless they cut me open under my tummy, and then because of my size, I could end up with other complications, including serious infection.

So, to try and lose the weight, I HAD cut out take aways (only having them once a week), cut out soft drink (only drinking coke zero and even then not much), and cutting out juice completely. I had also cut way back on other junk food, such as, ice cream, chocolate, biscuits, etc. By doing just those things I had lost 5 kilos in 8 weeks, I was starting to feel pretty good about it. At the end of those 8 weeks I started to cut out carbs after lunch time, geez isn't that hard to do? I believe I lost another 2 kilos in the following 2 - 3 weeks. But then life got hecticly busy. Never quite having time to stop and eat, so take aways were eaten, more frequently, I decided 1.5 weeks before my last event (on the 16th of July) that I would go back to the healthy eating on the Monday following my event, which made it the 19th of July. I figured this would be ok, I had lost between 5 and 8 kilos, so just over a week of not being on it wouldn't hurt. It is now 2 weeks after the 18th of July, and I am still not eating healthier. I do try to eat healthier, but I'm just not sticking to it like I was. It's not helped by the fact that I am the only person in my house that cooks, and sometimes I just can't be bothered. So I will cheat and buy take away, or I will just cook up some chips or something. Add that to the fact that I am the only one in my household actually trying to eat healthier, so while I'm eating a sandwich for lunch, Greg, Mum, Sam and all my other friends are eating maccas, or KFC or something similar, and buying chocolate, icecream, and all sorts of other stuff that I need to avoid.
Tonight for instance, seeing as I'm not exactly on my diet at the moment, and Greg was going for a drive with a mate, I messaged to ask him what was for dinner, I didn't get a reply, but they had rung one of my friends who was with me, to see what she wanted for dinner. I wasn't asked. When they had been gone for nearly 2 hours I rang Greg to find out where they were and what we were doing for dinner. He had been to KFC, said that he got me a tower burger combo (for the record, I don't eat burgers, haven't had any around Greg in the 20 months we have been dating) .. when he walked in the door, they had actually only bought enough from KFC for him, Sam and Jessie. Greg's excuse .. I'm on a diet.

So now its after 8pm, and I wont be eating dinner tonight. I don't like eating after 8pm, unless I haven't actually eaten anything all day.

Now I am sitting in my computer room, crying for many reasons. I just don't know where to turn right now.

and to top ALL of this off, I miss my Dad more than anything, and its just getting harder, not being able to pick up the phone and call him. He's gone, he's NEVER coming back, sure I can still feel his presence, and I know that somewhere he is still a part of me, and always will be, but damnit I need my Daddy..
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