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Skipped Back 10

September 21st, 2009


Its been a little while since I've written .. and even now I don't know what I want to write..

I have been feeling really down since about Easter and I just don't seem to be able to pick myself up. It's not all the time, most the time I am ok, but at least once a week I just get unbelievably down. Not enough to want to kill myself, but enough to see me crying all day.
Some things in my life are going really well, other things just seem to turn to shit.
I try to help people and for the most part I have some incredible friends, but there are still so many people who are just using me, and waiting to see me fail. I am fed up with trying to prove myself. I am fed up with doctors blaming everything on my weight. Sure its a problem, but did they ever stop to think that maybe its my psychological being that is the problem and that its stopping me from losing weight. I wish I had answers to everyone's questions. I wish I could help everyone. But I am only one person, I can't do everything. Lately I don't feel like I can even do anything.

I know that is a jumbled mess, but that's pretty much how I am at the moment, just one big jumbled mess.

June 6th, 2009

DefQon1 Line up - OMFG

Defqon.1 Festival Australia

Saturday 19th September

Sydney International Regatta Centre

Red arena (Hardstyle):
Donkey Rollers
The Prophet
Brennan Heart
Max Enforcer + The Beholder
Alpha Twins
Davide Sonar
MC Ruffian

Black (Hardcore):
Evil Activities
The Viper
Noize Suppressor
Art of Fighters
Kasparov - LIVE
Tha Playah
DJ Decipher

Orange (Hard trance):
Mark Sherry
Alex Kidd
Amber Savage vs Nik Fish
Dr Willis

Grey (Early Rave/ Old School):
The Prophet
The Viper -v- Frank-E & Mars-L
Public Domain
Paul Holden
MC Losty

Purple (New Talent): all aussie DJs, big names include:
Suae V Pulsar
Matrix V Xdream
SDee vs Audio Damage
Nathan Cryptic -v- Imperial
Dexi -v- Daniel Velerium
Scotti G -v- Cantosis
Yennus -v- Soul T
+ the winners of the DJ comp.
MC Destiny

The next couple of months

Gates to Hardcore today,
New Farm park tomorrow,
Study Monday,
Partos Bday 13th June,
Ross Noble 20th June,
Carli's Bday 20th June,
Realm 20th June,
Proteus 26th June,
Elevation 4th July,
Chloes Birthday 11th July,
Mell & Matts Birthday 18th July,
SarahJanes Bday 25th July,
Utopia 25th July,
Underground Exposed 8th August,
Phoenix 11th August.
DefQon1 19th Septemer.
Jenocide09 October

I'll be selling tix to half these events, if you want any information just ask..

June 5th, 2009

For the first time Q-Dance are taking the DefQon1 Festival out of Holland and bringing it here to Australia on the 19th of September 2009.

5 stages, 25 international dj's, all set on an island in Sydney.

This will be held at the Regatta centre
Tickets are now available online at http://www.q-dance.com.au/ for $124 for standard tickets and $194 for VIP tickets.

I will be selling industry tickets for $120. These are standard tickets only and are selling fast. THIS WILL BE A SELL OUT EVENT.


April 8th, 2009

Following is some information I found on the net which explains why I had to have Methotrexate (chemo) for an ectopic pregnancy.
I am in shock, I am depressed, I don't know what to do or how to feel at the moment. Coping with failed pregnancy number 6 is hard enough, let alone trying to deal with the fact that even though I don't have cancer I have now had chemo.
I am going back to the hospital in 2 weeks time to discuss the options I have to test why I can't hold a child.
I don't know how I am coping, I don't know IF I am coping. I seem to be ok most the time then suddenly I just burst into tears and can't stop. I feel fat and ugly and I feel like a failure. I am moody and depressed, and just don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to work, I don't want to do chores, I don't want to go out, I don't want to stay in, there are certain people I don't want to talk to even though they have done nothing wrong. I'm not sleeping properly. Sigh.

Methotrexate for Ectopic Pregnancy

Methotrexate is a medical treatment for ectopic pregnancy, providing an alternative to surgery. This article discusses how it is given and the follow up that will be needed afterwards.

Why use Methotrexate?

Until fairly recently, the only treatment that was widely available for ectopic pregnancy was an open operation. This meant a long stay in hospital and recovery time afterwards. Now we are able to offer another option – medical treatment.

If the ectopic pregnancy is small and the hormone levels aren't high, there is a 90% to 95% chance that using the medical treatment will be all that you need. Although this is a relatively new treatment (it has been used for about 7-8 years), it is one which has been found to be quite safe. It has the obvious advantage of not needing an open operation or even key-hole surgery, and hospital stay is usually a day or two at most.

Studies that look at how successful subsequent pregnancy is following this treatment have found that it is at least as good as following surgery and sometimes better. Surgery can cause scarring around the tube, and it may be that avoiding this is one reason why future pregnancies may be more likely to be successful after medical treatment.

How is the Treatment Given?

By a single injection. Your health care provider will then need to keep a check on the hormone levels, as before, to ensure they fall appropriately.

How Successful is It?

As mentioned above, on average only one in 15 women will need surgery after treatment with methotrexate. By far most women require only one treatment, but very occasionally two may be necessary.The treatment works by interfering with an essential vitamin (folate), which is needed for the rapidly growing tissue of ectopic pregnancy.

Are There Any Side Effects?

Sometimes you may notice some mild abdominal pain after the treatment, though this should not be severe. Other occasional side effects (affecting up to 15% of people) include nausea, vomiting, indigestion or feelings of fatigue. Very rarely, it can affect the liver or blood counts, but this really is unusual, mild if it does occur and only transient. The follow-up blood tests will check for this.

How Long Will it Take to Resolve?

The hormone levels frequently rise in the first week and it will take between two and four weeks for them to fall to normal. Your healthcare provider will make arrangements to see you in the Gynaecology clinic after the hormone test has fallen completely. It may be useful to arrange an X-ray examination to check that your tubes are open (a hysterosalpingogram or HSG).

Is There Anything Else I Need to Know?

The following points are important:

* Avoid alcohol and vitamin preparations containing folic acid until the hormone level is back to zero.
* Avoid aspirin or drugs such as Ibuprofen for one week after treatment. Regular paracetamol is safe to use (up to two tablets, four times per day).
* If you have severe pain or heavy vaginal bleeding, get in touch with the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit at the hospital.
* It is important that you use adequate contraception for 3 months after a single injection or six months after more than one treatment.
* Be sure that all of your questions have been answered.

Take down the hosptial telephone number and don't hesitate to phone for advice if you have any worries.

March 31st, 2009

baby update

well ... it seems that the first ultrasound may have been wrong. I've had 4 now, in 3 weeks, I'm doing well.. but the last one showed that the baby isn't growing, in fact it seems to be smaller than the other ultrasound i had at the hospital. and my bhcg levels have gone down since I last had them tested. The latest ultrasound also showed that the sac is too far to the right, right up near the tube opening, and with a bicornuate uterus this is a bad thing. I have to go for another blood test tomorrow, and that will tell me if I need a D&C or chemo. Sigh. This is number 6, I don't know how much more I can take. In a few months time, once my uterus is back to normal size then I will be going into hospital and the gyny will be having a look to see if there is anything that can be done to help me have a child.

March 13th, 2009

5 and a half weeks

ok, so today was our first ultrasound. first great news, they found a baby, second great news, there's a heartbeat. i dont want to get my hopes too high, i've heard a heartbeat before and lost the baby.
so fingers crossed things go well this time. i dont know if i can handle another one. Greg is stoked about it, thankfully. I'm going to need his support over the next 2 months, let alone after that.

March 9th, 2009

update ..

ok, firstly, if you read this please don't say anything to anyone else about what i am writing in here. no one else knows. and in case things get fucked up, as they more than likely will, i dont want anyone knowing just yet.

I am pregnant. between 5 and 8 weeks along. its a shock to my system. Greg is coping rather well. after 5 miscarriages i'm not holding much hope on keeping this one. i would like to, but i dont want to get my hopes up. especially not when i was bleeding a little yesterday, which thankfully stopped. i am going to go to the hospital tomorrow and see what they say.

out of 5 pregnancies i have had 2 blighted ovum, and i did hear a heartbeat for one. i have been getting a stabbing pain in my left side, around where i would have thought my ovary is, another reason i am going to the hospital. hopefully this isnt ectopic, coz that would suck hardcore as well.

but anyway.. i just needed to make a note of things. that way i can look back and read about it later. i wish i had done this with all of them, then i would know a lot more when the doctors ask me. ah well.. what do you do..

January 21st, 2009


December 20th, 2008


i got a job.. well a temping job anyway, and its probably only going to be for 5 weeks... but its better than nothing i guess... i did 2 full days work this week.. which i know isnt much, but other than running around like a blue arsed fly all weekend is the only work i have done in the last 4, nearly 5 months.i'm exhausted.. and its not like the work i do is even difficult.. its just new.. but its 4am and i cant sleep.. i havent slept well all week and now i cant sleep at all.. which isnt helped by the fact that my boyfriend is here but wont come to bed, because he isnt ready for sleep yet... :( i just hope he hasnt passed out on the couch.. seeing as he knows how much i hate that..
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