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January 16th, 2014

Dear you


Am I hanging on too tight to something that is over? I'm at a loss. With everything else happening in my life I thought you'd be the 1 person i could rely on to love and support me through it all. To understand that I'm going through hell. To reassure me that things would get better.
I've tried to change things about me, but it's going to take time. For the most part in changing me for me. I need to get my life on track. I need to take time out for myself, I need to start being a little bit selfish and saying no to people. I've hit the point where I have no more to give. I am a broken shell of what I could be. There are only so many emotional beatings I can take, and I'm pretty sure I'm at the end of my lot.
I'm beginning to wonder why I bother staying. Why I still insist on helping people who don't seem to appreciate what I've done, or the time I've given up to help them. It's all time I'll never get back.


January 3rd, 2014

So tired


Really starting to have troubles controlling my emotions again, lack of sleep is the biggest factor.
We have a friend living with us at the moment, and I love him to pieces, but I've somehow lost my boyfriend in the process. He's either at work, or out fishing, or when he is actually home he's staying up fairly late to play COD with the housemate. Then disturbs my sleep when he does finally crawl into bed, then his alarm wakes me up in the mornings before I have to get up. I wouldn't mind getting up earlier if I was asleep earlier. But it's now after midnight, him and the housemate have got tomorrow off, so they are up playing COD, while I'm lying in bed trying to get to sleep and can't shut my mind off.
Some days I really wonder why I let him stay.


December 29th, 2013

Stuff and things

I lost one of my best friends on the 28th of August 2013. This was someone I was in love with for 6 years. Someone I always returned to when a relationship ended. Someone I thought I would return to if things ever went bad with my current relationship. Someone who would ring me at stupid o'clock and tell me off because he had fallen in love with me, even though when he was sober he wouldn't be able to be that honest with me. Someone I chased for 6 years.

I regret not spending more time with him after we found out he had cancer. At the age of 28 we all thought he had more time on this earth. Apparently we were all wrong.

I miss him so very much.

January 22nd, 2012


Sometimes it's not fun being the adult in every situation, sometimes it would be nice to just let go and not have to look after every one else.
Sometimes it would be nice that when I spoke people actually listened, sometimes it would be nice if people actually did stuff for me without me having to ask, or without me having to throw a tantrum.
I can't see any of this changing any time soon though.

August 1st, 2010

More venting

I am always the one to say I'm sorry. It's not going to happen this time.
The following is going to be just rambling, its not exactly going to flow too well either. I just need to vent.

I do so much, for so many people, including my partner. and I just get used and abused, and forgotten about.

I help promote EVERYONE'S events, and there are fuck all people who actually help me in return, hell even 3 quarters of the dj's I book don't do any fucking promo. I have lost so much money on my events this year, because people just don't help, and I can't do it all on my own anymore. I have even had to cancel an event. Why do I bother?

I need to lose weight, i need an operation on my uterus as I have the following problems,

submucosal fibroid
broad based septum
bicornuate uterus
poly cystic ovarian syndrome

2 - 3 of these can be fixed by having an operation, but I need to lose 50 kilo's before they'll even put me on the weighting list. The instruments don't reach where they need to go, unless they cut me open under my tummy, and then because of my size, I could end up with other complications, including serious infection.

So, to try and lose the weight, I HAD cut out take aways (only having them once a week), cut out soft drink (only drinking coke zero and even then not much), and cutting out juice completely. I had also cut way back on other junk food, such as, ice cream, chocolate, biscuits, etc. By doing just those things I had lost 5 kilos in 8 weeks, I was starting to feel pretty good about it. At the end of those 8 weeks I started to cut out carbs after lunch time, geez isn't that hard to do? I believe I lost another 2 kilos in the following 2 - 3 weeks. But then life got hecticly busy. Never quite having time to stop and eat, so take aways were eaten, more frequently, I decided 1.5 weeks before my last event (on the 16th of July) that I would go back to the healthy eating on the Monday following my event, which made it the 19th of July. I figured this would be ok, I had lost between 5 and 8 kilos, so just over a week of not being on it wouldn't hurt. It is now 2 weeks after the 18th of July, and I am still not eating healthier. I do try to eat healthier, but I'm just not sticking to it like I was. It's not helped by the fact that I am the only person in my house that cooks, and sometimes I just can't be bothered. So I will cheat and buy take away, or I will just cook up some chips or something. Add that to the fact that I am the only one in my household actually trying to eat healthier, so while I'm eating a sandwich for lunch, Greg, Mum, Sam and all my other friends are eating maccas, or KFC or something similar, and buying chocolate, icecream, and all sorts of other stuff that I need to avoid.
Tonight for instance, seeing as I'm not exactly on my diet at the moment, and Greg was going for a drive with a mate, I messaged to ask him what was for dinner, I didn't get a reply, but they had rung one of my friends who was with me, to see what she wanted for dinner. I wasn't asked. When they had been gone for nearly 2 hours I rang Greg to find out where they were and what we were doing for dinner. He had been to KFC, said that he got me a tower burger combo (for the record, I don't eat burgers, haven't had any around Greg in the 20 months we have been dating) .. when he walked in the door, they had actually only bought enough from KFC for him, Sam and Jessie. Greg's excuse .. I'm on a diet.

So now its after 8pm, and I wont be eating dinner tonight. I don't like eating after 8pm, unless I haven't actually eaten anything all day.

Now I am sitting in my computer room, crying for many reasons. I just don't know where to turn right now.

and to top ALL of this off, I miss my Dad more than anything, and its just getting harder, not being able to pick up the phone and call him. He's gone, he's NEVER coming back, sure I can still feel his presence, and I know that somewhere he is still a part of me, and always will be, but damnit I need my Daddy..

November 28th, 2009

Martin Keith A'brook

Born - 20th February 1958
Died - 27th November 2009
Age - 51
Parents - Jean and Trevor Abrook
Siblings - Lynn Leeming & Barbara Gowlett
Children - Jenny Abrook, Aaron A'brook & Brendon A'brook
Grandchild - Jason A'brook
Survived by his partner - Dot Palmer

I love you so much Daddy, I am going to miss you.
Thank you for everything you have done for me, for being my Dad and in so many ways my mentor. Thank you for holding on as long as you could, I know you still weren't ready to go, but you put up a terrific fight and we know how tired you were. Thank you for the memories, because of these you will always live on in our hearts and our minds.

November 27th, 2009


The last few weeks have been so hard, Dad has lost his battle with cancer, we are just waiting.
I was awoken at 1.45 this morning, to go see him because he was at his last hours, we hung around till 10.30, he seems to be hanging on, though none of us are exactly sure why. He sounds like he is in pain, but apparently this is just his way of letting us know that he is still with us. He can't actually vocalise anything at the moment, its just a series of moans and groans. Which also make it sound like he is in pain. I don't know that he is in pain, he is on so much medication that I don't think he is feeling much at all. I wish we could tell for sure. I wish he could tell us that he is in pain, or talk to us just to let us know how he is going. I wish we could understand what he is saying. Its so frustrating not being able to understand him, help him, etc. When the time comes it is going to be one of the hardest things in my life.

I can only imagine what my Nan is going through. Watching her son go through so much pain, and not having the support of a loving husband, because he is in a home with parkinsons and dementia.

Other members of my family, who I will not name, really don't understand, they act like they do, but they have no idea. Sometimes I just want to scream at them, "the world doesn't revolve around you, get the fuck over yourself", but I can't because its not me.

I know its time to let go, we have told Dad that when he is ready then he can go, we don't want to see him in any more pain. We have come to terms with it, the hardest thing for all of us is to watch him go through so much pain and suffering. I wish he could tell us why he is holding on so hard, he is stubborn but I didn't think he was that stubborn.

Anyway, I don't expect, or even want, anyone to reply, I just needed to get some things off my chest, because I really do feel so lost and helpless.

November 5th, 2009


You are my world, and I know you wont be around much longer. I'm going to miss you so much.

(no subject)

Its been a little while since I've written .. and even now I don't know what I want to write..

I have been feeling really down since about Easter and I just don't seem to be able to pick myself up. It's not all the time, most the time I am ok, but at least once a week I just get unbelievably down. Not enough to want to kill myself, but enough to see me crying all day.
Some things in my life are going really well, other things just seem to turn to shit.
I try to help people and for the most part I have some incredible friends, but there are still so many people who are just using me, and waiting to see me fail. I am fed up with trying to prove myself. I am fed up with doctors blaming everything on my weight. Sure its a problem, but did they ever stop to think that maybe its my psychological being that is the problem and that its stopping me from losing weight. I wish I had answers to everyone's questions. I wish I could help everyone. But I am only one person, I can't do everything. Lately I don't feel like I can even do anything.

I know that is a jumbled mess, but that's pretty much how I am at the moment, just one big jumbled mess.
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